Monday, January 22, 2007

Monday is a Fun Day

Yesterday, Truitt sent me a link to a post by Adam Omelianchuk about breaking off your dating relationship according to theology. Pretty funny stuff. Here they are, shamelessly reprinted:

Atheist: The burden of proof is on you to establish the existence of this so-called “god” but I believe that if there was any such divine entity “it” would not want us to continue dating.

Intelligent Design Theorist: Our relationship bears the marks of irreducible complexity making it too difficult to explain by way of natural causes. Therefore, there the most reasonable conclusion is that we were designed to break up since things have gotten so complicated.

Calvinist: We were predestined before the creation of the world to break up according to God’s good pleasure. I am, on my own power, unable to break up with you apart from the irresistible draw of God’s sovereign grace which leads me to end this relationship. Those that truly break up will not get back together in the end.

Arminian: While you love me and have a wonderful plan for my life, I have the power to resist your will. If I did not, love would not be possible. For our relationship to be loving it needs to include the possibility of breaking up—something I am doing right now.

New Perspective on Paul Scholar: Rather than earning God’s blessing, it is established on the basis of our covenant courtship (I asked your dad to date you didn’t I?) which requires the proper response of an intentional and deliberate pursuit of marriage. Yet there is no such pursuit, therefore God’s blessing on or relationship is no longer maintained.

Open Theist: I am not really sure if we are supposed to be together, because neither is God.

Theistic Evolutionist: The beauty and rhythm of random variation and natural selection over long periods of time has presented us with a world where God has shown us that our relationship is too biologically expensive to maintain and is destined for extinction.

Young Earth Creationist: No, I do not believe we have been going out for that long. Our relationship is only six days old and the on the seventh God rested. I think we need a rest too.

Emergent: The question if whether we are in relationship or not is mired in Modernity’s obsession with propositional truth. A better a way to look at this is to enter into God’s story about how he lead us together and is now leading us apart.

Catholic: Honey, I think the Virgin Mary is leading us in different directions. I think it is her will that we break up.

Nice work, Adam. There are a few add-ons in his comments section that are pretty funny too. Enjoy.


theRoyal said...

Episcopalian (sp?!) - Ummmm...I am gay...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA that is great...JVD this is by far the best post ever...I dont care if you made it up or not...if you did, then you should quit your day job and move to lynchburg...if you didnt, you should still quit your day job and move to lynchburg...

Allie said...

this post is brilliant.

Paul Goodnightist: If I let my right hand equal our relationship, and my wallet (which is now empty) equal God, I don't think we belong together.

Mike Minterist: The world's system is so corrupt that we have watched Friends too many times, and our Western Jesus perspective clouds our ability to actually discern that this relationship is bad. Plus, in the Naval Academy, people don't date. I am breaking up with you, and if you don't like it, I will body slam you.

Dave Doyle-ist: Just because the Gnostic Gospels say that Jesus may have kissed Mary Magadalene, doesn't mean I want to keep kissing you.

Ed-ist: A 19th century hymn writer once lost his entire family in a storm while crossing the Atlantic on a rickety ship. He wrote plenty of hymns. Therefore, I shouldn't be in this relationship if I want to properly worship God.

Jeff McCannist: One time, a bunch of kids built a fort and shot each other with paint ball guns in a farm in the country. Then, they watched The Andy Griffith show and dreamed of being cowboys. Women were not in the picture. So, this relationship is over.

Bob Shullist: I can't date you because your bra was showing once.

van.diesel said...

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Anonymous said...

Hedonist: It's not you - it's me.

Deanna Regina said...

where did you get that cartoon- it is the funniest thing ever...

vandorsten said...

the interweb is full of such things. some funny. some not funny.